FINAL LAP

Every beginning has its end.

Well, the day before was my last day studying in Madrasah Aljunied Al-Islamiah. Inysallah if I do well, then that's it for me. Amin.

I waited for years after my return from Canada to fulfill my chance of going back to where I truly belong and Alhamdulillah when the moment arrived I got in! After almost two years, here I am making my leave again. I'm still living in disbelief that, this is it.

The girls and I decided to put a little something for our juniors. It was something small but we had a mission. A goal to reach out to our juniors. THE FINAL TILAWAH. I was an honored to see the whole bunch of us working together putting our hearts and soul despite our busy works and test piling me. We had trainings, misunderstanding, up hills and downhills to make it hall. Alhamdulillah it was a successful event.

Our journey to the final will begin the next following week. All the best you girls. You will always be in my prayers and may we graduate together as a whole bunch. Insyallah with flying colors. Amin.

I'll just keep it to myself.

Last night was incredible. It was too splendid.

But tonight, I'm drained.

Interview > Story

I've been writing. Writing for days.
It's different from blogging. Whatever runs in your mind, you just write it down. It acts as a mouth.
But this kind of writing... I'm dying.

Currently finishing. Still more to go.

But it a life time experience.
Thank you for the opportunity. :)

Experience of a lifetime.

My parents means a lot to me.
Just like how every single boy and every single girl feel for their parents.

I have always been so proud of them for what they do.
For what they do for me, my siblings, my friends, their family, their friends and the community. They've dedicated their live to help others and have inspire me through out my life. I consider myself lucky. Alhamdulillah. To be blessed with such remarkable parents.

I may not be the brightest kid in class nor am I a student role model for others cause I have my own flaws and bad habits to deal with. But I work really hard in every way I am capable of to make my parents proud. I try my best to acknowledge them that I am trying my best to get good grades and etc. My parents never scoff, get mad or get disappointed if I dont get good grades because they grade me by my effort I put on. They have been very supportive in every single way and never put my hopes down. They are the reason why I live today and move on with life every day. Because I work hard to give their pleasure, to make them proud and never to make them disappointed in order to get the redha from God.

When it comes to my parents, it has always been a sensitive issue for me. 

Don't you dare take them for granted, criticize them, put them down, disappoint them or hurt them. Especially when I am around because I have zero tolerance for that. 

-- 

Maybe for others, it may be something little but for me, 

I can't help myself to feel so hurt and upset by it. And I just dont know why. 

I could not get a grip of it. No matter how hard I try to think positive or husnu zhon..

it still kills me. 

It was like watching myself offering to another person my favourite toy and as soon as i handed it over, that person dropped it on the ground and abandoned it right in front me just because they found a new shiny toy. Just like that. It was devastating, heartbreaking. Somehow I made it felt like my toy was not appreciated and was not up to standard. 

Haha, I'm overeacting am I? 

I just couldnt help myself from feeling this way for the past few days.
I just dont know why. 

One night, I panicked. I could no longer hold it my emotions. I tried to istighfar as many as possible but I manage to remain calm for a short period of time. I shared my emotions in hope that I could feel better or at least remain calm or maybe gain something. I dont know. I admit it was rather overreacting. I was being dramatic but I just couldnt help it. I'm just too.. expressive? But to know the person I trust alot, said to me that that person didnt know whether to "layan" or to laugh of the slump of emotions was just.. 

I've been keeping this to myself cause I wanted to be reasonable. Well I tried. Keeping things to myself have never really worked for me. I just couldnt. I've been trying to look at things positively. 

I'm just scared. I'm just scared that my parents will get hurt.  

I tried to be fine about it, but I just cant.. 

19th

To the two of the few amazing girls that changed my life:  

Happy 19th Birthday Darlings. 

Rusda Wahid, 

You got the cutest cheeks with the perfect tajam tudung. You own one of the brightest smile anyone could ever own and definitely one of my favourite smiles. You got the most makcik and funny voice and laugh that tickles my heart. And you own a big fat good heart. You're always kind to everyone around you and you will always offer your help. You're friendly and so lovable! Keep it up girl. Share your up high spirit around like how you shared with me. Cause you were one the reason Irsyad life was easy for me. If it wasn't for you nenek, I dont know who I would be today. 

Siti Nabilah Aziz, 

I miss you big time! You give the coziest and warmest hugs. You're superb generous! You give the best words of advice and the best hearing aid when I was in need. You were so patience when I doze off in class every single lesson during Secondary Three. When I missed a lesson, you will never fail to help me catch up and make sure I am always in track. You will always get the blame when I am at fault but never blame me. You're younger than me but you were like a big sister to me. Keep on working hard and follow your dreams! Don't give up! 

To the both of you, 

I apologise for MIA-ing and not asking how you've been doing. But I can see that the both of you are doing fine. I may not be able to reach close to the both of you like how intact the both of you are right now, but all I can do is send plenty of dua for the both of you. May Allah bless the both of you with the best of Iman, Happiness, Taqwa, Rezq and many many more. May Allah guide you and make you a better abd' you were the day before. 

Happy birthday to the both of you once again. :) 

phone call right now.

I'm just going to keep swinging. I'm just going to keep swinging with a smile. 

Every swing has an up and down. 

twenty six.

Ain had a dream. A lovely dream.
She whatsapp-ed saying she dreamt that I, Hasanah, Amirah Sari, Insyirah, Shaakira and Syaf was in UIA right infront of her hostel together. The sisters had to Amin that dream. It could be a sign. Insyallah. She would love it that happen as a De Javu. Insyallah kulu Kheir. :D

Headed Geylang road today with Team Jacket of The Year for our grad jacket.
Excited and thrilled for it. Insyallah it will bring us as one. ^^

26 more days to FYE.. 

Daily doze.

Now I know who I am. Where I stand. Takpe Takpe.
Today's your day, tomorrow will be mine! Muhahahahaha.

Found out few factors why I tend to doze off in class. Experiment under progress.
Today in twitter was sad. There's no respect or unity and we call each other brothers and sisters. Something to ponder on dont you think so?

"Be humble.." 
"Be patience.." 

Just the weekends.

"Live while we're young" But of course with the proper Akhlaq. 

Live life to the fullest. :D 

The weekend was beautiful for me. I'm glad whatever happen really did happen. 

It was a valuable learning lesson. The chats, the turn backs, the advices. Simply superb. I do owe few people credits for making me strong and taught me few things that Insyallah made me a better person than yesterday. "Be humble.." 

Saturday was amazing with Team Drama. Aisyah and Marhamah. They were such darling making my day with their jokes and drama. :D We sat, talk share. It was simple but yet meaningful. Thank you girls. We celebrated Shifa's birthday bash at Vivo with many hilarious plans and outcomes. 

Mawlid Festival 2012 was SUPERB! Thumbs up. 

The Angklunites got the second gig slot and we could head home afterwards. FAIL! Since some of my girls wanted to head back inside to grab some stuff, it was no turning back from us. All we want to do is stay! Alhamdulillah, we had a spectacular time knowing our Rasulullah s.a.w. and the event really manage to reach to our hearts to remember him and lift our spirit high for Allah's Prophet s.a.w. 

to wake up.

To the kid who taught me the world is a beautiful place.
The one who taught me positivity. The one who consistently remind me how beautiful each individual is.  The one who would always remind me of God. The one who would always spare a learning lesson, a wisdom. The one would save me and pulling me up when I'm down. The one who would always make my day. The one who would always called me Miss Sunshine and kept me moving. The one who taught me to be strong. The one who taught me (how) to cry. The one who would always remind me to be good to others. The one who taught me to forgive. The one who taught me to keep it cool. The one I can count on. The one I trust most. The one that I depend on. The one with the calm voice to advice and to comfort. The one with the sincere voice and charming smile. One of the funniest person. The one of the most that can tolerate me most. The one with the most patience. The one everyone adore. The one everyone look up to.

"Let's just go with the flow" I miss that phrase.

I am no longer the same person I was before.
Agitated. Annoyed. Worried. Upset.

The mount height expectation and hopes.
Breaks apart like a glacier from the mount top killing
every beautiful thing along the way.

I'm a heartbreaker. I'm selfish. I'm inconsiderate.
I'm forgetful. I'm arrogant.
I'm not a friend.

--

I doubt we'll sit have coffee and talk about this cause maybe it's just not our thing. 
Our phone calls are different. Our texts are new.

I need to wake from the dreams that this isnt a story with a fast ending like some video in Youtube.
I need to wake up and face reality. I need to wake up to live.

Just to write.

Honestly, I think pretty much messed up.
No kid.

I wish I could write so much but I'm dehydrated of words. Too much thinking and too much breaking. Am I changing for good or for bad? Am I a victim of change or the cause of change? Or it is just me. My circle of friends has change this year. I miss my girls, no doubt. My perspective of certain things is different now. no doubt. My vibe and how I react towards things has changed. no doubt.

I dont know where this is going.

I just want to write down.
Because right now, it feels better than sharing it with somebody.
Not that I dont trust them or feel comfortable, it because the beauty of writing seems to work on me better than ever.

I bet everyone would have that moment where they wish they had the happy days
once again. And I wish I had mine.

Too much negative on me.

Need

To

Recharged!

For my best friend.

To my best best best bestfriend.

Darling, you've always been strong for the both of us. Although we may not have the best bestfriend to bestfriend kind of friendship but I'm glad your mine. My bestfriend. I admit I was never that good friend of yours. But no matter what happen, I will always be here for you. I'm still learning, learning to be a good friend.

I'm sorry for making things tough  for you, for the both of us. I miss you. I miss our primary moments and secondary moments where you're always by my side. After my leave to Canada, I felt like I was on my own and had to adapt till it turned out into a habit. I'm sorry for not being appreciative but Thank You. Thank you for being my friend, for always knowing the right thing to say, for always knowing how to calm me down, for always making me laugh. Thank you for being crazy.

Tomorrow's Monday. A new step. Uni life baby! I'll pray for your safety and Inysllah you'll be  fine. Two more days will your big day. But let's focus on Monday.

Be excited! Be thrilled! Be safe!
Love you always. xoxo

Colors in Syawal.

The two first day of the week have been really really nice and wonderful. The G'12 girl version hari raya with public transportion was just simple and sweet yet amazing. I love you girls bit by bit. :* 

Right here, Nur Insyirah Ismail. It's a misfortune (kidding) that we are stuck to one another during Audi periods. We are bound to story tale each other anything that is bothering or that has excited us. So technically, we know most of each other's story. This past few days, I'm glad that I have her around. With the bumpy road for me, she has been patient and slowly help me calm me down to get back on track although it's all on me. Thank you for having my back. :) 

Cause I'm back on track now. 

Day two of Jalan Raya With Friends was with the classmates of PreUTwoC. 

As usually, crazy as always. The atmosphere was of course different from any other. We had to make it crazy. 

The crazy begin with a game of Truth or Dare. 

PLANKING! Epic. 

Aside from that, we had our normal bonds and jokes with our Asatizahs and friends. 

Ustaz Mokshein's crib was the noisiest I think. Too much jokes here and there then he had to join the fun. 

Well what do they say, "If you can't beat them, join them." 

Ustaz Mokson was too epic to handle. "Hari ni ust tak beli roti" 

Conversation with him is up on instagram. I thought our conversation ended, but it actually went on. 

Presenting.... Our Vice Principal. 

(picture by photographer not done) 

This is our time.

Sometimes, some thing are meant to be while other are not. That's life.
Things change. It will always change. Why do you think the day will always change to night? Why do you think every girl will change and turn into a lady? Because things have to change. Just like what it happen between you and me.

We changed. You admitted. If it wasnt for me, you wont be where you're standing today. I helped you to change and well so did I. Maybe our change isnt as compatible as how we were during the old days. Maybe this is is. This is our time.

Everyday its constants arguments and fights. There will always be complains. Things are never right. Things will never be okay for suitable or fit. Incomplete expectation and hope, dismay and disappointment. Nobody can live with that everyday but that's what we face each day. one by one. It's constant backfiring. I know we're both dying inside. We have to put it to stop. Stop for good. This is our time.

Please, I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of telling myself to be patient. I'm tired of telling myself to be strong. I'm tired of thinking through what I say. I'm tried of having the dilemma to be truthful or not. Please I'm tired of getting hurt.

I slowly start to question. Is it really our time?
I guess today, this is it.

after effect Qawaid.

This week: Modular Exams. Killer.
But insyallah kheir. Dah boleh RAYA!

I'll learn to smile again One day.
Thank you the adventures.

Raya Spam

Salam Aidilfitri Everybody! :D

It's been months right? Well, its natural for every student to be lazy.

School seem fast. Boom Boom PAP! CA week is here.
A parade of test coming up. Then comes Sept hols. Then comes the HUGE EVENT.
The Raya cum Teacher's day celebration that we've been preparing. I hope it goes smoothly, Insyallah.
Eggcited.

Hehehehehehehehe. Abang and Kakak got a Nikon for themselve. Ape lagi? NIKON SPAM!

(us + nenek busu's place + camera = Raya Photoshoot) But it was rather incomplete cayse Shaakira wasnt around for our annually raya ritual. awwww. 

Just like that.

Initially, I wanted to post a depressing post about my well being this past few days and weeks and maybe months. But after talking to the right people, they changed it completely and utterly a whole new  world for me. I felt home, secure and safe. Thank you.

To my two bestfriends who always know the right things to say,
Muhammad Abdul Mateen and Nurul' Ain Nabilah.

This is for the both of you.

Oh yeah

For me to write will always be the most suitable way. To jot my feelings down, to calm myself down. But each time I turned to this blank white space, everything is gone. Snap. Just like that.

Maybe this is the point where God is testing my patience. I'm lost. I can't find myself. So technically, I'm lost in my own world.  Been doing things I'm not sure of. Not proud of it either. Mama said I have a cold heart and maybe she's right. My childhood has always been adapting different environment, background, culture and society. So, I listed few principles of life to survive. To heck care. No hard feelings. Don't be dependable on a person cause they won't last. And etc etc. It's true that I (at times)  dont really care what people think of me or what they think. Cause I just don't care.

I call that person lucky when I start to care. (a selfish statement)

For me, it was to protect myself. I be skipping around with a fragile heart.
I cannot cry cause it pointless and tiring. I should be smiling, looking at things positively and don't mind others. People leave, they go. That's just life.

"One can take the donkey to the water but one can never force it to drink..Likewise one can lead one to the truth but its up them to accept" 


Yes, I accept the qualification to be your Donkey.

Maybe I'm the cause. But you're the result. You changed too with whatever happened to you.
Yes, I can't understand you. Cause I didn't go through whatever you went through. Now you insisted that I should try to understand you. how? by going through what your path? Our experience will be different.

But the reason I can no longer understand you is because: you weren't the person I used to know.

Dah open.

So I like school today.
Very nice. Very very nice.

More annoying faces. New seating buddies. Xin msn catch up with le ladies. Canteen Food. Wash eyes (direct translation into: Malay). Teachers. Surprises. Sharks. Buying secrets. Sleeping in class. New goals. Fresh spirit. New lectures. Guests.

Well, I pray for a better semester for myself,
and for you too. Amin. ^^

Self talking.

Wongfu's Away We Happened! Second last episode? Awww.

Just got back from P4 Camp. Being FNB and Game Master sure is fun. And I learn that maybe going out of the box is fun and extra adventurous. Staying rigid dulls you. 

Things have been going out of hand already. 

Some say those who cry are strong while others say they're weak. So which one is true? 

I don't know why I'm making this into a big deal cause this can be easily handle. Maybe because I don't want to handle it? Now what does that make me? Stronger or weaker? I should respect the decision although it felt one sided. 

Should I keep being upset or should I put it aside? 

"Do whatever you want, I dont care." Should I? But won't that be lying. Part of me wants to do that but the reality part of me is banging my head and telling me to quit denying cause the truth is: I do care.