BESAR MAKAN

ANGKLUNG DINNER MAKAN BESAR!
It was amazing. It has been a long time since us girls gather together. Why of course, with exams and revisions and the renovation going on in school, we have no time. But two performances coming up we'll sure to see each other. But yesterday was the introduction.

Introduction with FREE FOOD is definitely awesome. :D
Four rounds with team makan, was awesome!

Then after a nice bus journey with the ladies and my, when I think about it,
I'm gonna miss everybody and our seconds.

Graduation

To Whom this May Concern.

Graduation.

It's never easy. I can only ever remember my own graduation as a huge rush of emotions. Yeah, going through graduation's changed me. It's not easy, not like people say it is. But of course, everyone has their own thoughts on such a special ocassion.

Frankly, graduating from Irsyad was a very painful thing for me.I can only remember the days that followed to be less bright, less colourful. Day by day, memories of old accompanied me, sometimes appearing out of the blue. I'd say to myself, "Oooh, the things I'd do to get all this back". But of course, it's never possible. What is will come to pass, and what was will only remain a memory, etched in our hearts.

Moving to Al-Junied was a stepping stone. I remember my first day to be bleak. I wished with all my heart that it was all a dream, that I would find myself in my Secondary 5 class with my friends. But no. This was the reality and I had to face it. Perhaps it was the presence of a few familiar faces which somehow gave me a little hope to hold on to. Days began to pass, weeks began to drift, months followed. Bit by bit, I made new ties and new bonds with the people of whom I would consider my family as well. Yet, my heart was still.. missing something.

My heart felt like an empty void. The happiness came and went like a wind blowing through an empty can. I cried on few ocassions, but never in the eyes of people. I felt lost, hurt, even frustrated at myself for reasons unsaid. There were times when I felt so provoked. Some people just couldn't understand. 11 years is simply not a short stop at the gas station. The people at Irsyad will always have a place in my heart.

Maybe it was then that people accepted my everlasting love for the school of my childhood. I began to grow and nurture, but still, I remained in my little embryonic state. I was still weak. I displayed what seemed to be strength when in fact, everything inside was on the verge of breaking. But I loved Al-Junied. I loved in a way that was somehow similar to my love for Irsyad. And even though Irsyad can never be taken away from me, my newfound love for my new school has somehow soothened the pain.

G12'. You people whom I consider to be of 'my age'. I can't help but see the beauty in God's Will. Back when I was young, I was denied the offer to enroll in Al-Junied, due to the JMS scheme. And yet, here I am. I cannot say that I did my best to make memories with any one of you but I consider you all my "batch that never was". I do observe that I love to associate myself with everyone in my little fantasy world, but hey, I guess that's just me. And know that I will always love your batch as much as my own.

Honestly, this one year has been a really hectic year. Whether it's making new bonds with new people, or trying to keep in touch with fellow juniors, or working hard to maintain the bond that was named S5BOOMZ, I will forever remember this year as my rebirth. Like a phoenix rising from the ashes, I am reborn. Weak and fragile, but ever-growing.

Initially, I intended to write a note for my dear G12. But perhaps the best way for me to convey my message is for you to feel my pain. Graduation will change you. Unless you're weak like me, then perhaps you'll fair off way better. But I mean it when I say this; never give up on your loved ones. As soon as the years pass, do not remember the friendships you've so very hard tried to maintain. Sacrifice your time to meet them. Keep in contact. Should you choose to leave them behind in your trail of memories, then go ahead. But then, you will be the one at loss.

I do miss the people in S5BOOMZ. I do miss Irsyad. I do miss G12 already. I do miss the past. I do miss the old me..But life must go on. The only thing we can do is try and make the bonds we've made stand strong for the times to come.


To whom it may concern, this is solely and sincerely for you. Do tag the rest.

This was written by one of my favourite Juniors, Abdullah Ahamd. The one with the incredible talent. A talent to write.  This is just beautiful. You're amazing. Keep up writing and thank you for the beautiful memories we shared and these beautiful words.

Tomorrow is the day. Well, at least its a start.
Paper checking day. The 16th will be the Report Book Ceremony. How am I feeling?
Hoping for a smile, I tried my best.

dot

Is it okay to slow everything down to the extend that you turn lazy.
I don't want to do anything anymore.

I don't want to feel anymore. for now.

I don't want to feel happy, sad, disappointment, excited,
heartbroken, thrilled, proud, lucky, scared for now.

New Chapter?

Oh wait, it's the first of november. :O

NO MORE FINALS?!! It's time to slow things down now.

Sloooow it down till Graduation.

Although life is risky right. Passing marks is 60 percent or it's head chopped for us.

Tough crowd. Well all we can do now is to Tawakkal and let it go. We've put our best effort and let the results have it say for our effort. Insyallah Kheir. Kullu Min Najihhin. Amin. :D

So, last night I saw a very intersting comment between two. The comparison between the Madrasah and Secular.  It was a very intersting battle of factuality from both side. One said that these two are unable to be compared while the other party mentioned that it has become easier to compare today.

Well maybe not today. :) 

Numb and slightly ridiculous.

It's been a long time since you had a gut feeling.
And first, I couldnt understand but soon I took it that it was a message, a sign.

I am a person with plenty to say but slowly, I was taught to keep things to myself. To control.
I like to deny. It's bad habit. Not proud of it but dont know how to change it.  But because of that, I've been blinded with what is true or the truth.  Right now, it might be a sign. I keep things to myself because when I say it out loud, I'm scared that it will sound..

crappy? tacky? weak? pointless. 

So what have I been hiding? It's killing you havent it?
What I hid is that I miss you.

I miss that friend of mine. I regretted that day I put you down as a friend. I regretted the day I lost your trust and respect. I regretted that now you have to put limits and boundaries. But I told myself it was for our own good. You are much wiser, mature, well experience than I am. I maybe older by few months but that doesnt mean anything cause you're knowledge is bigger than mine. You know what you're doing.

It hurts with this kind of friendship with have right now, I dont want to complain.
Maybe I'm just being greedy and selfish, but in a way I feel less appreciated than before. I expect and hope for alot of things. Chill, I do too not only you. :D But I kept it to myself, telling myself I'm being ridiculous. The things I do at first was to protect myself and in hope to protect our friendship but apparently, it turned out likewise.

I've never been so attached or clingy to a person. I've never been too dependent to a person.
And I know, if I did maybe I'll be in trouble. Last year, around this time of the month, you said your reasons for being unease about few things, (hinthint) you know who. For me, it was overwhelming yet slightly terrifying cause I see this coming. And what I mean by "this" is this thing going on right now. the disappointment, insecurity.

Apart from my nature of being friendly, it was a reason for me not to be too clingy to you. To make myself feel detach. But right now, with all the "freedom" you gave due to your new perspective and limits, I dont know what I'm thinking anymore. Lost. Well, for me its a start of a stepping stone. Soon, we'll be parting our own ways and I'll have to learn to accept it no matter how hard it's gonna be. Although I despise your way that the fact that you like to emphasis on our status as "just friends", I'm not gonna complain cause you have your rights.

I tried to be patient, I tried to be humble. I tried to be cooperative,
I tried to be understanding. But I dont know now. I dont know where are we head, or where I'm heading right now. Why? Cause I've been hiding alot and didnt took it to consideration that it might be something. I don't know what's right for this friendship anymore but all I know is I'm just gonna stick with the flow.

The reason

The Reason.
The reason why I love short films. The reason why I love film making. The reason why I love cinematography. The reason why I love artistic ideas. The reason I love indirect message through pictures and story lines. The reason why I love simple creativity. The reason why I love the beauty through media.

Wong fu Production has always produce fresh stories. Both deep and hilarious. They're young at heart and adult by vision.  Definitely an inspiration to all the film makers out there. WONGFU4LIFE

The video above elaborates and portraits alot of this. It's not the surface message between two, but the depth of each Who, What, Where, Why and How.

The message of life.

Ziiiiiiiiiiiing!

Done with le review. HAH! The finals here. My Last.
Need to work hard. To graduate. InsyAllah. :)

Along the way

My classmates.

I can never be as respected as Kama, I can never be as adorable as S.I., Aisyah or Shifa, I can never be as hilarious as Amira or Hasanah, I can never be as smart as Widad, Fateha, Wiya or Adillah, I can never be spunky and lively as Billy, Farlat and Shira, I can never be as artistic as Halimah and Cha, I can never be as nice as Q and Faey, I can never be as awesome and loyal as Zepak and Fana, I can never be as polite as Aisyah and I can never be as true as Skin.

I can never compete with them cause they are always better than me. :) I am at the bottom of the chain.  They are nicer and way cooler than me and they are definitely one of few awesome bunch I will truly remember. :) Thank you for sharing the journey with me. Thank you. Thank you making this fun and easy during the two years here. I pray the best and only the best for you girls. May you all be bless with a bright future and rezeki insyallah. :) At the same time, I take this opportunity to apologies for everything that I have done. Truly from the heart. Please do pray for me alright? ^^

I love you girls #2C. <3 nbsp="nbsp" p="p">

You can have many friends, but there are only few you can rely on for Akhirah.

Hi Juara!

Hahahahah. I know you've been waiting for this for a long time right? :D To Nur Adillah Rihat:

She is a friend with full of talents. Always there when I am the lowest point. Lowest I can ever be and always seek to me to be at the highest point just to see me smile. I can never forget the things you've done for me. If it wasnt for you, I would still be slacking. If it wasnt for you, I would still be in misery hiding, If it wasnt for you, this wont be as lovely. I may not be that incredible good friend but she is definitely always the one. One of the few that I'm the most comfortable with. A person I can depend on.

I am not always with you, but you will always be there for me. Behind every smile, usually only she knows that behind it. Gives me the strength and the comfort for me to get back up again. Thank you.

One day, we shall sing again. See you next time. :)

FINAL LAP

Every beginning has its end.

Well, the day before was my last day studying in Madrasah Aljunied Al-Islamiah. Inysallah if I do well, then that's it for me. Amin.

I waited for years after my return from Canada to fulfill my chance of going back to where I truly belong and Alhamdulillah when the moment arrived I got in! After almost two years, here I am making my leave again. I'm still living in disbelief that, this is it.

The girls and I decided to put a little something for our juniors. It was something small but we had a mission. A goal to reach out to our juniors. THE FINAL TILAWAH. I was an honored to see the whole bunch of us working together putting our hearts and soul despite our busy works and test piling me. We had trainings, misunderstanding, up hills and downhills to make it hall. Alhamdulillah it was a successful event.

Our journey to the final will begin the next following week. All the best you girls. You will always be in my prayers and may we graduate together as a whole bunch. Insyallah with flying colors. Amin.

I'll just keep it to myself.

Last night was incredible. It was too splendid.

But tonight, I'm drained.

Interview > Story

I've been writing. Writing for days.
It's different from blogging. Whatever runs in your mind, you just write it down. It acts as a mouth.
But this kind of writing... I'm dying.

Currently finishing. Still more to go.

But it a life time experience.
Thank you for the opportunity. :)

Experience of a lifetime.

My parents means a lot to me.
Just like how every single boy and every single girl feel for their parents.

I have always been so proud of them for what they do.
For what they do for me, my siblings, my friends, their family, their friends and the community. They've dedicated their live to help others and have inspire me through out my life. I consider myself lucky. Alhamdulillah. To be blessed with such remarkable parents.

I may not be the brightest kid in class nor am I a student role model for others cause I have my own flaws and bad habits to deal with. But I work really hard in every way I am capable of to make my parents proud. I try my best to acknowledge them that I am trying my best to get good grades and etc. My parents never scoff, get mad or get disappointed if I dont get good grades because they grade me by my effort I put on. They have been very supportive in every single way and never put my hopes down. They are the reason why I live today and move on with life every day. Because I work hard to give their pleasure, to make them proud and never to make them disappointed in order to get the redha from God.

When it comes to my parents, it has always been a sensitive issue for me. 

Don't you dare take them for granted, criticize them, put them down, disappoint them or hurt them. Especially when I am around because I have zero tolerance for that. 

-- 

Maybe for others, it may be something little but for me, 

I can't help myself to feel so hurt and upset by it. And I just dont know why. 

I could not get a grip of it. No matter how hard I try to think positive or husnu zhon..

it still kills me. 

It was like watching myself offering to another person my favourite toy and as soon as i handed it over, that person dropped it on the ground and abandoned it right in front me just because they found a new shiny toy. Just like that. It was devastating, heartbreaking. Somehow I made it felt like my toy was not appreciated and was not up to standard. 

Haha, I'm overeacting am I? 

I just couldnt help myself from feeling this way for the past few days.
I just dont know why. 

One night, I panicked. I could no longer hold it my emotions. I tried to istighfar as many as possible but I manage to remain calm for a short period of time. I shared my emotions in hope that I could feel better or at least remain calm or maybe gain something. I dont know. I admit it was rather overreacting. I was being dramatic but I just couldnt help it. I'm just too.. expressive? But to know the person I trust alot, said to me that that person didnt know whether to "layan" or to laugh of the slump of emotions was just.. 

I've been keeping this to myself cause I wanted to be reasonable. Well I tried. Keeping things to myself have never really worked for me. I just couldnt. I've been trying to look at things positively. 

I'm just scared. I'm just scared that my parents will get hurt.  

I tried to be fine about it, but I just cant.. 

19th

To the two of the few amazing girls that changed my life:  

Happy 19th Birthday Darlings. 

Rusda Wahid, 

You got the cutest cheeks with the perfect tajam tudung. You own one of the brightest smile anyone could ever own and definitely one of my favourite smiles. You got the most makcik and funny voice and laugh that tickles my heart. And you own a big fat good heart. You're always kind to everyone around you and you will always offer your help. You're friendly and so lovable! Keep it up girl. Share your up high spirit around like how you shared with me. Cause you were one the reason Irsyad life was easy for me. If it wasn't for you nenek, I dont know who I would be today. 

Siti Nabilah Aziz, 

I miss you big time! You give the coziest and warmest hugs. You're superb generous! You give the best words of advice and the best hearing aid when I was in need. You were so patience when I doze off in class every single lesson during Secondary Three. When I missed a lesson, you will never fail to help me catch up and make sure I am always in track. You will always get the blame when I am at fault but never blame me. You're younger than me but you were like a big sister to me. Keep on working hard and follow your dreams! Don't give up! 

To the both of you, 

I apologise for MIA-ing and not asking how you've been doing. But I can see that the both of you are doing fine. I may not be able to reach close to the both of you like how intact the both of you are right now, but all I can do is send plenty of dua for the both of you. May Allah bless the both of you with the best of Iman, Happiness, Taqwa, Rezq and many many more. May Allah guide you and make you a better abd' you were the day before. 

Happy birthday to the both of you once again. :) 

phone call right now.

I'm just going to keep swinging. I'm just going to keep swinging with a smile. 

Every swing has an up and down. 

twenty six.

Ain had a dream. A lovely dream.
She whatsapp-ed saying she dreamt that I, Hasanah, Amirah Sari, Insyirah, Shaakira and Syaf was in UIA right infront of her hostel together. The sisters had to Amin that dream. It could be a sign. Insyallah. She would love it that happen as a De Javu. Insyallah kulu Kheir. :D

Headed Geylang road today with Team Jacket of The Year for our grad jacket.
Excited and thrilled for it. Insyallah it will bring us as one. ^^

26 more days to FYE.. 

Daily doze.

Now I know who I am. Where I stand. Takpe Takpe.
Today's your day, tomorrow will be mine! Muhahahahaha.

Found out few factors why I tend to doze off in class. Experiment under progress.
Today in twitter was sad. There's no respect or unity and we call each other brothers and sisters. Something to ponder on dont you think so?

"Be humble.." 
"Be patience.." 

Just the weekends.

"Live while we're young" But of course with the proper Akhlaq. 

Live life to the fullest. :D 

The weekend was beautiful for me. I'm glad whatever happen really did happen. 

It was a valuable learning lesson. The chats, the turn backs, the advices. Simply superb. I do owe few people credits for making me strong and taught me few things that Insyallah made me a better person than yesterday. "Be humble.." 

Saturday was amazing with Team Drama. Aisyah and Marhamah. They were such darling making my day with their jokes and drama. :D We sat, talk share. It was simple but yet meaningful. Thank you girls. We celebrated Shifa's birthday bash at Vivo with many hilarious plans and outcomes. 

Mawlid Festival 2012 was SUPERB! Thumbs up. 

The Angklunites got the second gig slot and we could head home afterwards. FAIL! Since some of my girls wanted to head back inside to grab some stuff, it was no turning back from us. All we want to do is stay! Alhamdulillah, we had a spectacular time knowing our Rasulullah s.a.w. and the event really manage to reach to our hearts to remember him and lift our spirit high for Allah's Prophet s.a.w. 

to wake up.

To the kid who taught me the world is a beautiful place.
The one who taught me positivity. The one who consistently remind me how beautiful each individual is.  The one who would always remind me of God. The one who would always spare a learning lesson, a wisdom. The one would save me and pulling me up when I'm down. The one who would always make my day. The one who would always called me Miss Sunshine and kept me moving. The one who taught me to be strong. The one who taught me (how) to cry. The one who would always remind me to be good to others. The one who taught me to forgive. The one who taught me to keep it cool. The one I can count on. The one I trust most. The one that I depend on. The one with the calm voice to advice and to comfort. The one with the sincere voice and charming smile. One of the funniest person. The one of the most that can tolerate me most. The one with the most patience. The one everyone adore. The one everyone look up to.

"Let's just go with the flow" I miss that phrase.

I am no longer the same person I was before.
Agitated. Annoyed. Worried. Upset.

The mount height expectation and hopes.
Breaks apart like a glacier from the mount top killing
every beautiful thing along the way.

I'm a heartbreaker. I'm selfish. I'm inconsiderate.
I'm forgetful. I'm arrogant.
I'm not a friend.

--

I doubt we'll sit have coffee and talk about this cause maybe it's just not our thing. 
Our phone calls are different. Our texts are new.

I need to wake from the dreams that this isnt a story with a fast ending like some video in Youtube.
I need to wake up and face reality. I need to wake up to live.

Just to write.

Honestly, I think pretty much messed up.
No kid.

I wish I could write so much but I'm dehydrated of words. Too much thinking and too much breaking. Am I changing for good or for bad? Am I a victim of change or the cause of change? Or it is just me. My circle of friends has change this year. I miss my girls, no doubt. My perspective of certain things is different now. no doubt. My vibe and how I react towards things has changed. no doubt.

I dont know where this is going.

I just want to write down.
Because right now, it feels better than sharing it with somebody.
Not that I dont trust them or feel comfortable, it because the beauty of writing seems to work on me better than ever.

I bet everyone would have that moment where they wish they had the happy days
once again. And I wish I had mine.

Too much negative on me.

Need

To

Recharged!

For my best friend.

To my best best best bestfriend.

Darling, you've always been strong for the both of us. Although we may not have the best bestfriend to bestfriend kind of friendship but I'm glad your mine. My bestfriend. I admit I was never that good friend of yours. But no matter what happen, I will always be here for you. I'm still learning, learning to be a good friend.

I'm sorry for making things tough  for you, for the both of us. I miss you. I miss our primary moments and secondary moments where you're always by my side. After my leave to Canada, I felt like I was on my own and had to adapt till it turned out into a habit. I'm sorry for not being appreciative but Thank You. Thank you for being my friend, for always knowing the right thing to say, for always knowing how to calm me down, for always making me laugh. Thank you for being crazy.

Tomorrow's Monday. A new step. Uni life baby! I'll pray for your safety and Inysllah you'll be  fine. Two more days will your big day. But let's focus on Monday.

Be excited! Be thrilled! Be safe!
Love you always. xoxo