It felt too close to what's going on right now. I can't only breathe it out and tell myself to breathe and endure. Pray everyday to have some strength to see what what's happening before my eyes. It's hard. It has been months, despite the effort and attempts, there's nothing else to fight for. "Shazaa you've let go too much of your ego already, let it go."
I want to give up, I do but deep down I'm still holding on.
I'm grateful that I got a job to worry and get stress about. (So thought won't drown me) I manage to figure out few things about myself and learn new things about life and expectations and experiences to keep. This week was a surprising. A day of epic moments, plenty of surprises and unexpected mental break down. Here's few:
1. People who know me would say I am very positive and optimistic. WRONG. There are levels of optimism and I'm not even place anywhere close to high optimism.
2. I lose my colors on my face and totally blanked out if I reached extreme stress-ness. Jannah was shocked to see me in that stage. Even I was surprise to experience that myself. I complete blanked out, stare at the thin air and took out my nothing box from my brain and think nothing.
3. Most of my friends who knows my stories, whom I'm comfortable with are girls. No wait, all of them are girls. I find it very uncomfortable to do it with any guys except for the exceptional who is decide to go MIA starting from now. Five years for listening aid, gone. No warranty.
4. Writing looks simple but it's damn hard! REALLY! You need to read for you to write. I got to start reading alot. I'm horrible at writing. Words really play a huge important role in the society. Judging are always wrong but if you judge right, you're just lucky.
5. I hate making phone calls! I am lazy! committed but lazy!
There's more but it's okay. I'm done here.
lots of love,
Shazaa.
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