Process of life

How am I different from everybody else?

Today my mind decided to put me in a situation.
Maybe turning it into something fictional is simpler for me to portray that situation.
Here is a tale of a girl and her conversation with herself..

Here I am again, watching you from far. You're thousands miles away from where I am right now. The bitter truth is: You don't even know I exist.

What happens if one day, our distance got closer and the miles got lesser. Would that change anything? The bitter truth is: I don't think so.

There's thousand gazillions of people out there. From 0 years old babies to 122 years old (Jeanne Calment, a French lady I checked. hehehe) around the globe. What particle of me would you even notice? Why should you? There's many of them way interesting and amazing than I am. There are people who tries to be other people (Category A) and succeed and those people who tries to be themselves but fails (Category B) and also those people who are true to themselves (Category C).

I think I belong to those in Category B. Really.
I try to be myself but will end up trying to be in someone else's shoe.
I don't know what I am. Why do I have this thought of "Why is it so hard for me to be me?" 


Answer: DEPLETION OF SELF ESTEEM. DUHHH!! GO GET A JOB GIRL!

Old lady rant.

I use to remember how of I write on my blog. It used to be youthful and excited with innocent dramas of self-expression. Everyday use to be fun. I was literally blog addicted. I'll die if I don't inform the world what I've been doing.

Even staying home was exciting!

I'm all grown out. Where's the energy?!
I'm still young. Get your butt off the couch you lazybum!

Give me time.

Cause when I learn to care, it was time to stop. To stop caring.
I had to re-learn to care a little less. To protect myself from falling hard cause I know this time round, there's no one to catch me.

At the end of the day,
it is I who get disappointed with myself.

To care a little less: 
So I wont get hurt by your words
Offended by your actions
disappointed with your reminders. 

Read

Marathon-ing for the whole week. It's going too fast.
I'm going to miss everything. But I love it. I love the speed, the improvement, the progress.
I'm happy. :)

the final straw.

D was a girl. Well, she still is a girl.
D has always been so cautious around her. Putting extra layers when you goes out, make sure she makes correct friends, always know where she's going. She likes predictions. That's just her day. Dull. Always the same routine. Nothing different. No surprises. She loves surprises but she's just scared of them.

Slowly D starts to grow up. D is now adventurous. D wants surprises. She was her own adventure. Remember the wall she fixed for herself? Well, she decided to break it down leaving just two more walls for herself. It was amazing. D got to see the world she never seen before. She ate interesting food, went to different places, met new people with different culture and surprisingly D even manage to find her own first puppy love. Well, let's just say it was short and simple. She experienced many first adventures. Her first arcade, her first movie, her first rain. Although it was a short ride, she never regret it. This made D extra stronger than she was before. She was much more confident. But D knew that this wasnt her time. She was not ready.

Then D made a new friend.
It was a tiny little wolf. D had never seen a wolf before. It was still a baby. It was the cutest thing she ever seen. The little wolf was naughty. He was fast. He's full of energy and fun. The little had no idea what he had provided to D. But D knew she was too attached to this little pup. Why shouldnt she? The little pup is the most beautiful thing that she ever seen. "This is dangerous for me. I must not be too attached to the pup." That sentence kept chanting in her mind. D and the pup went a long way. They had a great time together. Through thick and thin, D could always rely on the the little wolf. Because of this pup, D tear down two of her walls. Did she do the right thing?

The pup grew. He's big now. He knows how to control. But D is still in her own little world with no protection. She didnt listen to herself. Now the pup has power. D is scared that she was before. She has always protected herself from all of this that she threw away the pot of happiness others have to offer.

D is now afraid of:
Being barked at. being think of that he thinks. being replaced by things. being rejected. the grown up's attitude,sarcasm and sneer. when he decided to play the same game. the tense. that moment when D have to think really hard before reacting. no comfort zone. awkwardness. being put down. when he believes that D is nothing anymore. when he doesnt cheer D up.

"You use to treat me like I'm somebody. Like I could change the world. I finally believe that I wasn't useless. I finally believed that I can be a change. A purpose. A hope. You make me feel light. You tell me that I am capable of doing things and that I cheer you up. The compliments are bonus to my growing process. I can do things that I thought I couldnt. You share with me things because you know it meant something to you. It made me feel amazing and reliable. You advise me because you know you want to do something to make me a better me. You cheer me up just because you care. You wait up at night for me and wish me good night just to make sure I'm safe. You wish me good morning just to ensure that I had a good beginning. You let me lead a life just by being there. You were a system. 

Now its all black and white. 

Just because of you, I feel useless and vulnerable. 
I feel fragile and meaningless. I know I'm going to pick myself up but it needs time. 
We use to do this together, but now its time for me to do it own my own. 
cause you left me aside. 

I'm a fool. I'm a child. 

I did't listen to myself. I told myself not to be attached and I did. 
I took the risk and now I'm on my own.. 

This was the final straw.."

Now D knows that she can't rely on anyone. D tried so hard to adapt in her own world but she didnt manage to survive. After her hardwork of tearing her walls down, she built a little cottage inside the unforgivable forest and lived by herself all year long. 

Back to square one. 

UNASMUN2012

Jammed packed! 

This delegate of Bahrain have been busy with UNAS (United Nation Association of Singapore) talking politics and brain juicing for the past two days. Day three and Day four coming up. 

Am I psyched? 

Let's just say, I have been awaken by the harsh truth. 

Keep Smiling.

Have you ever been in that situation where you 

have to stop  and go at the same time?  

That situation where you have to drop  

and pick up at the same time? 

That situation when your past  

and present stimulates at the same time? 

It sounds complicated and a hassle  

..dont you think?   

Well what happen 

..if it's true? What do you do? 

It's challenging. It really is. 

But everyday you wake up to a second chance 

and you have to keep on going. 

You keep pushing and pushing and pushing  

and looking at the bright side.  

You keep on hiding and hiding and hiding 

everything that you should from 

everybody else and just keep smiling  

although it hurts alot.  

Blind the pain 

and embrace the grace I guess. 

But this effort,  

 will it make you happy or the other you happy? 

Is this effort,  

 for you or is it for someone else. 

-- The End. 

Usually, I will die. I will die if I stay home all week but I got what I wanted. To chill and lay back. :D 
So during the weekend, it was fun time with the parents. TEAM PISANG FTW! 

Today, spent my day with more movies and korean variety shows. Well yes, I'm into them right now. Just Running Man though. Just that. Fullstop. Spent my morning watching this teary movie, Wedding Dress. 

 Like a baby I cry. Although you know how the storyline is, it will never get enough. You keep wanting for more. It's a touching story about a trouble little girl who slowly lost her mother who suffers  from cancer. This is her journey pulling herself to be strong not just for herself but for her mother as well.

My favorite part. She pretends to know nothing after hearing her mother's pain and left the house holding her tears. You can see how strong she tried to pull herself together.

This made me think. What have I been doing to get myself closer to God. What have I been doing to make myself better than yesterday. What have I been doing to make today a day not like any other day. What if today is my last day?

More crying for this part. A radio message for Omma.

Track Meet.

I had an incredible ending for November. Alhamdulillah.
This amazing father of ours decided to take us out for dinner and ice cream. Y A Y ! :D
Plus it was incredible session for some catching up with my girls from Irsyad.

Dhania's is still on her A's mode yet she still came down. I salute her. It's been two years since I last see her and most of Athletics girls. While waiting for the whole team to arrive we chatted and shared our life story. How now most of us are just waiting for results and university application. "Don't mention the T word" Its still unbelievable for most of us that we're twenty soon.

Soon it was ice cream. The ice cream was the bomb! It was fresh and I love the shop concept. It was edgy and simple. The shop had chalkboard walls with scribbles, a wall and a small table for art and drawing and the whole shop was filled with pictures of the customers. It was a brilliant cozy concept. 

Brr-lliant desserts for the speeders. Team twenty ten. 

Incomplete team. Sir's 4 x 200 gold medalists. 

We have our own tale. Last min arguements, night training, private coaching, injury that nearly cause the team to split. I still remember how the team risked our legs the day before the meet. At the end, it was tears of joy when our last runner hit the red ribbon. Our win was really the event of the day and it was a miracle. 

(Right picture) 

Syuhada was one of the mates that I always missed. She's incredible. 

&& Dian is a pretty junior I absolutely adore. 

Just a random picture with AC3 and Syu. Everyone was taking pictures and we decided to do one too. :D I miss her. I miss our days. 

At the end of the day, Sir will always leave with a message for us. "Let's continue the legacy" 

It was a message, a wake up call for me actually. To always stay in touch with your friends. The importance of being together as one. It was deep. I cant use my word to describe what he said. Thank you Sir. 

You put our right foot in..

Have been youtubing-hopping!
Boing Boing Boing!

So found this few clips. Time to be amaze and giggle all night lonnnnnng~

Let me love you - Charles V Nguyen

Cry me a river - Anthony Lee

ISA Step by Step - Mike Song

Spontaneous Adventure

The past two days have been exciting. It was just me, the parents and the little kids.
Well for a big family, this means alot. Attention for everyone. :D Baba decided to me spontaneous so it was a little short getaway trip for us. Well one thing about short getaways are FOOD!

Well at least for me. For the kids, its the pool.

Baba found Bayu Marina Resort at agonda.com.sg and that's where we spend our day. Soon it was a little shopping for us and little (okay bedek.) makan makan for us. JB EXCITMENT~

But that is only part one. We went back to JB. This time it was just me Shazarah Mama and Baba.
Wishling list FUFILLED! More shopping. More food shopping. Mission Accomplished!



Baba got his car washed. Shazrah got 5 pairs of shoes. (Kakak jealous!) I got my health problems resolved and Mama gets to shop. So all of us were happy. :)



We had lunch at Fish Manhattan and so the parents chatted with me how the future would be for me. Suddenly Baba said: "You're so close yet why do I feel like I miss you already" Neither of us could believe that I'm growing up already. I'm heading forward Insyallah to my next mile stone.

DON'T READ I WARN YOU.

Hi.
hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe.

So it's the school holidays.
hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe.

&& I'm just messing with time, at home, trying to get fat.
hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe.

so yeaaaaaaaaaaah.
(Got plenty to say but just distracted. And lazy too. :D)



SORRRY!

2nd week november

This is it. One more day til the last day. Report Book for the last time.
I don't know what is store for myself, but insyallah it will be good. AMIN!
Not just for me, but for my friends as well. AMIN!

So the week was splendid!
Finally Mael's plan was a SUCCESS. Just like what you wanted dude. For a first timer like myself, I enjoyed it. Alot! :D

We had breakfast at Qiji and surprise surprise for me! A whole day cycling around Ubin to see some beauty. Mama and Baba must be very lucky to experience such kampung life cause its peaceful and just beautiful. Subhanallah.

14.11.2012. 

G'12 decided to give the teacher a surprise surprise as well. :D 

Carwash and some lunch for them as appreciation. We as students cant do much but this is the best we could do for our beloved teachers. We can't never beat what they have given us. Aside from that, we did some SPRING CLEANING! 

BESAR MAKAN

ANGKLUNG DINNER MAKAN BESAR!
It was amazing. It has been a long time since us girls gather together. Why of course, with exams and revisions and the renovation going on in school, we have no time. But two performances coming up we'll sure to see each other. But yesterday was the introduction.

Introduction with FREE FOOD is definitely awesome. :D
Four rounds with team makan, was awesome!

Then after a nice bus journey with the ladies and my, when I think about it,
I'm gonna miss everybody and our seconds.

Graduation

To Whom this May Concern.

Graduation.

It's never easy. I can only ever remember my own graduation as a huge rush of emotions. Yeah, going through graduation's changed me. It's not easy, not like people say it is. But of course, everyone has their own thoughts on such a special ocassion.

Frankly, graduating from Irsyad was a very painful thing for me.I can only remember the days that followed to be less bright, less colourful. Day by day, memories of old accompanied me, sometimes appearing out of the blue. I'd say to myself, "Oooh, the things I'd do to get all this back". But of course, it's never possible. What is will come to pass, and what was will only remain a memory, etched in our hearts.

Moving to Al-Junied was a stepping stone. I remember my first day to be bleak. I wished with all my heart that it was all a dream, that I would find myself in my Secondary 5 class with my friends. But no. This was the reality and I had to face it. Perhaps it was the presence of a few familiar faces which somehow gave me a little hope to hold on to. Days began to pass, weeks began to drift, months followed. Bit by bit, I made new ties and new bonds with the people of whom I would consider my family as well. Yet, my heart was still.. missing something.

My heart felt like an empty void. The happiness came and went like a wind blowing through an empty can. I cried on few ocassions, but never in the eyes of people. I felt lost, hurt, even frustrated at myself for reasons unsaid. There were times when I felt so provoked. Some people just couldn't understand. 11 years is simply not a short stop at the gas station. The people at Irsyad will always have a place in my heart.

Maybe it was then that people accepted my everlasting love for the school of my childhood. I began to grow and nurture, but still, I remained in my little embryonic state. I was still weak. I displayed what seemed to be strength when in fact, everything inside was on the verge of breaking. But I loved Al-Junied. I loved in a way that was somehow similar to my love for Irsyad. And even though Irsyad can never be taken away from me, my newfound love for my new school has somehow soothened the pain.

G12'. You people whom I consider to be of 'my age'. I can't help but see the beauty in God's Will. Back when I was young, I was denied the offer to enroll in Al-Junied, due to the JMS scheme. And yet, here I am. I cannot say that I did my best to make memories with any one of you but I consider you all my "batch that never was". I do observe that I love to associate myself with everyone in my little fantasy world, but hey, I guess that's just me. And know that I will always love your batch as much as my own.

Honestly, this one year has been a really hectic year. Whether it's making new bonds with new people, or trying to keep in touch with fellow juniors, or working hard to maintain the bond that was named S5BOOMZ, I will forever remember this year as my rebirth. Like a phoenix rising from the ashes, I am reborn. Weak and fragile, but ever-growing.

Initially, I intended to write a note for my dear G12. But perhaps the best way for me to convey my message is for you to feel my pain. Graduation will change you. Unless you're weak like me, then perhaps you'll fair off way better. But I mean it when I say this; never give up on your loved ones. As soon as the years pass, do not remember the friendships you've so very hard tried to maintain. Sacrifice your time to meet them. Keep in contact. Should you choose to leave them behind in your trail of memories, then go ahead. But then, you will be the one at loss.

I do miss the people in S5BOOMZ. I do miss Irsyad. I do miss G12 already. I do miss the past. I do miss the old me..But life must go on. The only thing we can do is try and make the bonds we've made stand strong for the times to come.


To whom it may concern, this is solely and sincerely for you. Do tag the rest.

This was written by one of my favourite Juniors, Abdullah Ahamd. The one with the incredible talent. A talent to write.  This is just beautiful. You're amazing. Keep up writing and thank you for the beautiful memories we shared and these beautiful words.

Tomorrow is the day. Well, at least its a start.
Paper checking day. The 16th will be the Report Book Ceremony. How am I feeling?
Hoping for a smile, I tried my best.

dot

Is it okay to slow everything down to the extend that you turn lazy.
I don't want to do anything anymore.

I don't want to feel anymore. for now.

I don't want to feel happy, sad, disappointment, excited,
heartbroken, thrilled, proud, lucky, scared for now.

New Chapter?

Oh wait, it's the first of november. :O

NO MORE FINALS?!! It's time to slow things down now.

Sloooow it down till Graduation.

Although life is risky right. Passing marks is 60 percent or it's head chopped for us.

Tough crowd. Well all we can do now is to Tawakkal and let it go. We've put our best effort and let the results have it say for our effort. Insyallah Kheir. Kullu Min Najihhin. Amin. :D

So, last night I saw a very intersting comment between two. The comparison between the Madrasah and Secular.  It was a very intersting battle of factuality from both side. One said that these two are unable to be compared while the other party mentioned that it has become easier to compare today.

Well maybe not today. :) 

Numb and slightly ridiculous.

It's been a long time since you had a gut feeling.
And first, I couldnt understand but soon I took it that it was a message, a sign.

I am a person with plenty to say but slowly, I was taught to keep things to myself. To control.
I like to deny. It's bad habit. Not proud of it but dont know how to change it.  But because of that, I've been blinded with what is true or the truth.  Right now, it might be a sign. I keep things to myself because when I say it out loud, I'm scared that it will sound..

crappy? tacky? weak? pointless. 

So what have I been hiding? It's killing you havent it?
What I hid is that I miss you.

I miss that friend of mine. I regretted that day I put you down as a friend. I regretted the day I lost your trust and respect. I regretted that now you have to put limits and boundaries. But I told myself it was for our own good. You are much wiser, mature, well experience than I am. I maybe older by few months but that doesnt mean anything cause you're knowledge is bigger than mine. You know what you're doing.

It hurts with this kind of friendship with have right now, I dont want to complain.
Maybe I'm just being greedy and selfish, but in a way I feel less appreciated than before. I expect and hope for alot of things. Chill, I do too not only you. :D But I kept it to myself, telling myself I'm being ridiculous. The things I do at first was to protect myself and in hope to protect our friendship but apparently, it turned out likewise.

I've never been so attached or clingy to a person. I've never been too dependent to a person.
And I know, if I did maybe I'll be in trouble. Last year, around this time of the month, you said your reasons for being unease about few things, (hinthint) you know who. For me, it was overwhelming yet slightly terrifying cause I see this coming. And what I mean by "this" is this thing going on right now. the disappointment, insecurity.

Apart from my nature of being friendly, it was a reason for me not to be too clingy to you. To make myself feel detach. But right now, with all the "freedom" you gave due to your new perspective and limits, I dont know what I'm thinking anymore. Lost. Well, for me its a start of a stepping stone. Soon, we'll be parting our own ways and I'll have to learn to accept it no matter how hard it's gonna be. Although I despise your way that the fact that you like to emphasis on our status as "just friends", I'm not gonna complain cause you have your rights.

I tried to be patient, I tried to be humble. I tried to be cooperative,
I tried to be understanding. But I dont know now. I dont know where are we head, or where I'm heading right now. Why? Cause I've been hiding alot and didnt took it to consideration that it might be something. I don't know what's right for this friendship anymore but all I know is I'm just gonna stick with the flow.

The reason

The Reason.
The reason why I love short films. The reason why I love film making. The reason why I love cinematography. The reason why I love artistic ideas. The reason I love indirect message through pictures and story lines. The reason why I love simple creativity. The reason why I love the beauty through media.

Wong fu Production has always produce fresh stories. Both deep and hilarious. They're young at heart and adult by vision.  Definitely an inspiration to all the film makers out there. WONGFU4LIFE

The video above elaborates and portraits alot of this. It's not the surface message between two, but the depth of each Who, What, Where, Why and How.

The message of life.

Ziiiiiiiiiiiing!

Done with le review. HAH! The finals here. My Last.
Need to work hard. To graduate. InsyAllah. :)

Along the way

My classmates.

I can never be as respected as Kama, I can never be as adorable as S.I., Aisyah or Shifa, I can never be as hilarious as Amira or Hasanah, I can never be as smart as Widad, Fateha, Wiya or Adillah, I can never be spunky and lively as Billy, Farlat and Shira, I can never be as artistic as Halimah and Cha, I can never be as nice as Q and Faey, I can never be as awesome and loyal as Zepak and Fana, I can never be as polite as Aisyah and I can never be as true as Skin.

I can never compete with them cause they are always better than me. :) I am at the bottom of the chain.  They are nicer and way cooler than me and they are definitely one of few awesome bunch I will truly remember. :) Thank you for sharing the journey with me. Thank you. Thank you making this fun and easy during the two years here. I pray the best and only the best for you girls. May you all be bless with a bright future and rezeki insyallah. :) At the same time, I take this opportunity to apologies for everything that I have done. Truly from the heart. Please do pray for me alright? ^^

I love you girls #2C. <3 nbsp="nbsp" p="p">

You can have many friends, but there are only few you can rely on for Akhirah.

Hi Juara!

Hahahahah. I know you've been waiting for this for a long time right? :D To Nur Adillah Rihat:

She is a friend with full of talents. Always there when I am the lowest point. Lowest I can ever be and always seek to me to be at the highest point just to see me smile. I can never forget the things you've done for me. If it wasnt for you, I would still be slacking. If it wasnt for you, I would still be in misery hiding, If it wasnt for you, this wont be as lovely. I may not be that incredible good friend but she is definitely always the one. One of the few that I'm the most comfortable with. A person I can depend on.

I am not always with you, but you will always be there for me. Behind every smile, usually only she knows that behind it. Gives me the strength and the comfort for me to get back up again. Thank you.

One day, we shall sing again. See you next time. :)